


RE: RE: RE: Your Secret Mysterious Poet Identity

by gallantrejoinder



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Humor, IDENTITY SHENANIGANS, M/M, Pining, Poetry, Social Media
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:06:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28874304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallantrejoinder/pseuds/gallantrejoinder
Summary: From: Pippin Tooksam sam sam. i know shit all about poetry. i am simply an incredibly good looking and hilarious and generous and beautiful soul with 10 million subscribers across 8 platformsbut 4 this last reason i DO know numbers. rupi kaur WHO? Banazîr Galbasi OUTSOLDFrom: SamDid you just have to Google and then copy and paste my alias into that textSamwise Gamgee has a secret. By day, he's a cleaner and sometimes gardener living with his father and sisters. By night? He's a famous poet, who published anonymously and suddenly stopped writing several years ago.Frodo Baggins doesn't know any of this. All he knows is he has a thesis to write, and Pip is swearing up and down he can put Frodo in contact with the mysterious poet who is the subject of said thesis ...
Relationships: Frodo Baggins/Sam Gamgee
Comments: 22
Kudos: 37





	1. Concerning the Interference of One Peregrin 'Pippin' Took

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiiii, I'm trying something fun to get back into writing! This was somewhat inspired by a [Supernatural fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18083927/chapters/42744872/) involving Dean as an anonymous poet, and a college/university setting, but this fic is quite different! Only that basic premise is the same.

From: Pip

hey r u still crushing on that poet?

From: Frodo

Why hello dear cousin, yes, it has been some time since we chatted, hasn’t it? I’m doing well, thanks for asking. My PHD is going swimmingly, as I’m sure you’ll remember, and I’m very busy at the moment.

From: Pip

sooooo…….u completely r then

From: Frodo

I am writing about him for said PHD thesis, this does not equal a crush. How many times have I had to tell you the difference between romance and the Romantics now? Is it seven?

From: Pip

frodo, between the 2 of us, who is published? oh RIGHT its ME

From: Frodo

In the lauded and respected genre of “Youtuber biographies,” yes, your mother was so proud.

From: Pip

AND SO SHE IS

anyway BACK 2 THE POINT + 2 the reason u will be grovelling at my feet with apologies. i may or may not have some information that may assist u with ur thesis on mr poet.

From: Frodo

Whatever highly dubious methods you have used to procure who knows what help for me, I’m not interested.

From: Pip

oh ok i guess i’ll tell mr galbasi ur not interested in speaking to him then dw

From: Frodo

You’re lying.

From: Pip

you WISH i was lying :)))))

From: Frodo

Or you’re being taken advantage of. He’s an anonymous writer. No one but his agent and editor know who he is OR where he went. I highly doubt you’ve managed to discover anything his fans haven’t after years of scouring every inch of his website and every interview he’s ever given since he started.

From: Pip

lmao ‘scouring the internet’ it’s a crush babes, as the subject of many internet stalkers i would know

BUT IM NOT LYING OR BEING TRICKED OR MISTAKEN

he worked with the same publisher as me. same AGENT even. thats how i found out :)))))) faramir left his work laptop open one day and OOP

From: Frodo

… Pip I’m not comfortable with doxxing my favourite writer. You know that, right?

From: Pip

ITS NOT DOXXING IF ITS STILL ANONYMOUS. GOD frodo what do u take me for.

From: Frodo

You don’t want me to answer that.

From: Pip

))))): i thought u would b happy! ur thesis is gonna be poppin if u can interview him! itd all b thru email, no real names. altho i do have that if u want lol.

From: Frodo

NO, Pip. All right. You insist on this whole pretence, then fine. Give me the email. I still don’t actually believe you, by the way.

From: Pip

yayyyyy!!! :)))) will accept that grovelling apology now

From: Frodo

In your dreams, Pip.

* * *

From: Pippin Took

u owe me SOOOOOOO big.

From: Sam

I know that but for some reason you texting me that fact now makes me think you’ve done something

From: Pippin Took

ok i mean chill lol. u remember my cousin frodo?

From: Sam

Yes I clean his building with the job that you got me as a cleaner for his building where I clean his building

From: Pippin Took

THERES the sass i know and love. well not love, ew. but ya him. hes … drumroll please … WRITING HIS THESIS ON U YAYYYY

From: Sam

What

From: Pippin Took

oh sorry hes writing his thesis on UR SUPER SECRET POETRY ALTER EGO

From: Sam

Why

From: Pippin Took

sam sam sam. i know shit all about poetry. i am simply an incredibly good looking and hilarious and generous and beautiful soul with 10 million subscribers across 8 platforms

but 4 this last reason i DO know numbers. rupi kaur WHO? Banazîr Galbasi OUTSOLD

like or no (+ idk y u r stuck on NO) u r a famous poet + unfortunately my cousin’s fav

From: Sam

Did you just have to Google and then copy and paste my alias into that text also can you please stop the emojis

From: Pippin Took

re: emojis, no. not all of us are millennial boomers who use talk to text. + u r IGNORING MY POINT which is that ur SUPER SECRET FAMOUS POET ALTER EGO is the subject of my dear cousin’s thesis so ive set him up with an anonymous email 4 u to use so he can interview u, U R WELCOME MY FRIEND

From: Sam

Why would I be thanking you for this I haven’t given an interview in years you know that

From: Pippin Took

BECAUSE a) frodo is a looker + babes we both know u have eyes WHICH CAN SEE so u should be thanking me for that set up ALONE 2) now u have an opportunity to break ur dry spell (in more ways than 1) and c) now faramir will get off ur back for another year or 2!! back 2 cleaning and avoiding bookstores for my fav poet!

From: Sam

Pippin I don’t think you understand how owing people works but if it will help make up for the job thing I will do it please just send through the email address and I will put it on the website too maybe just so he knows it’s really me

From: Pippin Took

OH please send me a screenshot of ur emails when u do that

* * *

To: pippaz@gmail.com

From: faramir_ithilien@gondorpublishing.co.uk

CC:

Subject: why I ever signed you

Pip,

Please tell me there is a very good reason why Gandalf is sending repeated emails insisting that you’ve compromised the identity of our best selling poet. Please tell me that his accusations are all a complete misunderstanding and you haven’t undone years of hard work and secrecy in the age of social media and constant surveillance, simply so your cousin can interview his favourite writer.

If you cannot tell me these things, just murder me outright and let this endless war of attrition with my sanity be ended.

Faramir.

* * *

From: gandalf.greyhame@rivendelluniversity.edu.uk

To: pippaz@gmail.com

CC:

Subject: FOOL OF A TOOK

Peregrin Took,

I am to take it that you are responsible for putting Frodo in contact with Banazîr Galbasi.

If I had wanted Frodo to interview Mr. Galbasi, I would have suggested it. As it is, his entire thesis is based around Mr. Galbasi’s anonymity. Well done: you have required an entire restructure of three month’s work for a supposed friend.

I would like to remind you of the oaths and/or legal contracts you signed and swore last year upon your unfortunate discovery of Mr. Galbasi’s identity. Getting him a job will does not void those contracts. If I discover that you have so much as hinted at Mr. Galbasi’s true identity – particularly given the complications said job gives rise to under these circumstances – I will personally see to it that you are permanently banned from the university campus, and Meriadoc himself won’t dare to sneak you in.

Gandalf Greyhame, BA, PHD, MD, OBE, MEd, SC93.

* * *

From: pippaz@gmail.com

To: gandalf.greyhame@rivendelluniversity.edu.uk

CC: faramir_ithilien@gondorpublishing.co.uk

RE: FOOL OF A TOOK

prof greyhame,

esteemed agent,

IT’S COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS I SWEAR PLEASE DON’T BAN ME FROM THE CAMPUS ILL DIE

good luck with merry tho as if he’d ever leave me

LEGAL ACTION THREATS HOWEVER DULY NOTED. MR REDACTED HAS AN ENTIRELY ANONYMOUS EMAIL ACCOUNT WITH WHICH TO DISCUSS POETRY AND SHIT WITH FRODO FOR FRODO’S THESIS. AGAIN I EMPHASISE: ANONYMOUS.

pip

* * *

From: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

To: BGalbasi@gmail.com

CC:

Subject: I know it’s you Merry

Hello Merry. You can tell Pip that your fiftieth attempt to get me on your prank channel has once again been a miserable failure. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a thesis to write and a mysterious anonymous poet to research.

Frodo.

* * *

From: BGalbasi@gmail.com

To: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

CC:

RE: I know it’s you Merry

Hello,

I can see why you think I’m not who Pippin said I am. Pippin did set up the account after all. I haven’t met Merry, but Pippin told me a bit about him. And I saw him on Pippin’s channel as well of couse. However, it is actually me Banazîr Galbasi. Well that’s not my real name obviously but that’s my writing name. I put this email address up on the publishing website on my author’s profile to prove it because I thought Pippin wouldn’t seem trustworthy. It is Pippin we are talking about here.

B. Galbasi.

* * *

From: Frodes

PIPPIN WHAT THE HELL.

From: Pip

WHAT DID I DO NOW SMH

From: Frodes

THE EMAIL YOU GAVE ME IS ON HIS AUTHOR’S PROFILE ON THE GONDOR PUBLISHING WEBSITE

From: Pip

well DUH

its his authors profile where else would it be

From: Frodes

PIP I SWEAR IF YOU SOMEHOW MANAGED TO HACK INTO A PUBLISHING WEBSITE JUST TO PULL A PRANK ON ME

From: Pip

frodo, i think we both know that despite my unbelievably successful career, tech know how is merrys strong point, not mine. theres a reason he edits and im the pretty face.

\+ hes def not smart enough to hack a whole website

dont tell him i said that hell get an it degree next knowing my luck

From: Frodes

Pippin. I am asking you, on my parents’ grave, to swear you’re not lying to me about this and this is the real Banazîr Galbasi.

From: Pip

wow just had to bring in the big guns huh

ur lucky i liked drogo and primula too u know

i swear. on their graves. its him.

* * *

From: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

To: BGalbasi@gmail.com

CC:

RE: I know it’s you Merry

Ah.

I see now that I may have been too hasty to judge Pippin’s intentions. Though, as you say, it _is_ Pippin. I hope you’ll forgive me for the terrible introduction, and rest assured it reflects more on my mistrust of Pippin than any judgement of yourself.

Could we try that again Mr. Galbasi?

Regards,  
Frodo Baggins.

* * *

From: BGalbasi@gmail.com

To: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

CC:

RE: I know it’s you Merry

Hello,

That’s all right, Mr. Baggins. No harm done. And please call me Ban. I have never been called a “mr.” anything in my life.

I would be very happy to try again. So, hello, Mr. Baggins. My name is Banazîr Galbasi, when I’m writing at least. I would be happy to answer questions that you have about my writing, as long as I can stay anonymous. I am busy during the day usually but I will do my best to answer quickly.

B. Galbasi.

* * *

From: Dad

Hello son… could u please pick up some cheese sticks on the way home from work… your sisters despair…

From: Sam

Sure thing dad if you want I can pick up fish and chips too it’s been a good day

From: Dad

Happy days…

* * *

From: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

To: BGalbasi@gmail.com

CC:

Subject: Introductions

Hello, Ban. I’m Frodo Baggins, but you can just call me Frodo. Please don’t call me “mister” anything either – I am fairly certain you’re older than I am!

I am happy for you to respond whenever you’ve got the time.

I appreciate your speaking to me, even anonymously. It will help with my PHD thesis enormously. And, if I might speak as a fan, it’s pretty exciting to have the chance to speak with you at all.

Regards,  
Frodo Baggins.


	2. Chapter 2

**pippin took, u kno, from youtube**

_@pippining_

dont want 2 ASSUME anything … but i think my fav coffeeshop might b the setting 4 a romcom …

**pippin took, u kno, from youtube**

_@pippining_

every other morning this freakishly tall blonde dude walks in and orders some stupidly complicated order from 1 specific barista who looks like a biker????? y am i acting like i dont kno his name from them shouting his order its . o shit doxxing

**pippin took, u kno, from youtube**

_@pippining_

OK OK we will call him foot. + the barista is named……….gerard. gerard makes these ott coffees (THIS FROM ME SO U KNO ITS REAL) with a look of PURE HATRED on his face but they r perfect EVERY TIME if the look on foot’s face is anything 2 go by

**pippin took, u kno, from youtube**

_@pippining_

anyway theyre in love imo

**meriadoc is my father, call me doc**

_@merrybrandybuck_

@pippining okay this is ridiculous YOU CANNOT INTERFERE IN THE LOVE LIVES OF PEOPLE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW, THE PEOPLE YOU DO KNOW HAVE IT BAD ENOUGH

**pippin took, u kno, from youtube**

_@pippining_

@merrybrandybuck THEYRE LITERALLY IN LOVE MERRY

* * *

From: BGalbasi@gmail.com

To: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

CC:

RE: Some baseline questions

Frodo,

Sorry for the late reply. I had to sit down and think about some of these. I have been very busy lately but luckily I have lots of time to think with my job. So to answer some of your questions I wrote them out as a list.

  1. Yes, I am from the south of England as many people have guessed. I am actually from Dorset originally. My family were farmers all the way back haha. I moved closer to London for family reasons though.
  2. I didn’t do much reading while I was growing up. At least until I hit my teens. I had a good teacher who helped me. I also found slam poetry on Youtube. I didn’t want to do that myself but I thought it was very interesting that you could write poems that were meant to be read aloud. So I suppose you could say my poems are meant for being read aloud too.
  3. Haha yes I have heard of Rupi Kaur. I don’t think we have much in common apart from being pretty well known. But I know that is pretty rare with poetry.
  4. No, I never really thought I would be published. It all sort of happened by accident but it is a long story. Let me get back to you on it because I have to ask my agent a couple of questions about it.
  5. I don’t really know if I would not be so well known if I was not anonymous. I think maybe it means people can project a lot of ideas onto my poems. My agent says it adds “mystique” to them. So maybe if I had published them under my own name they would not be so popular. But I didn’t publish them anonymously because I was hoping to make them more popular. I am just not the type of person who likes to be seen. My current line of work makes that easier. Being a famous person would obviously not. And I am not a very impressive person in real life so that probably also would not help if I published my poems under my own name.



Don’t worry about coming off as needy or like a fanboy haha. I think your questions are very interesting so far.

B. Galbasi.

* * *

From: Galbasi

Hi Faramir long time no talk could I just ask you a couple of questions really quick about the anonymous interview thing I’m doing thanks

From: Faramir

Hey mate! Go ahead, happy to help.

From: Galbasi

The student who is interviewing me has some questions about how I got published and I was wondering how much detail to give him without giving myself away because I actually work in his building and I’ve seen him a lot of times from afar and I don’t think he knows who I am but I know him so I’m a bit worried about him figuring things out

From: Faramir

Okay, well. That’s a bit of a pickle. I was about to ask how you end up in these situations but then I remembered: Pippin Took.

I think you should be good to tell him pretty much the whole story, leaving out names. Especially for Gandalf – I believe he’s one of Frodo Baggins’ professors. You can probably use my name, I suspect Mr. Baggins already knows that you and Pippin share an agent.

From: Galbasi

Okay thanks Faramir will keep you posted

* * *

From: Pip

sooooooooo

hows the interviewing goingggggg

From: Frodo

Pretty well.

From: Pip

frodo babes i was kinda hoping for something juicier than THAT

come on as if u arent absolutely SWEATING every time he emails

From: Frodo

He’s very professional, Pip.

From: Pip

hmm. hmmmmmmmmmmm

what do u think he looks like

From: Frodo

Pip, he could look like anyone. He’s from an old Dorset family so statistically speaking he’s almost certainly white. He didn’t correct me when I said he was probably older than me, and many poets don’t publish until late in life. Between that and his typing style he’s probably elderly. He is a kindly old man from Dorset and that’s the end of it.

From: Pip

WEIUTWRIOGTERIO

babes

BABES

pls tell him about your age theory for me. but more importantly U HAVE SHOWN UR HAND MR BAGGINS no1 would put that amount of thought in2 someones looks unless they already had a crush on them

frodo baggins: dilf chaser

From: Frodo

HE HAS KIDS?

From: Pip

dilf is an energy, frodes, u dont need kids 2 b a daddy

From: Frodo

I am going to throw your phone into the sea.

* * *

From: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

To: BGalbasi@gmail.com

CC:

RE: Some baseline questions

Thanks so much, that’s all very helpful! Yes, I think the general themes of agriculture and the sea, and of course the English folk influence certainly gave people a clue – but of course, nothing was proven solid (until now of course), and one cannot assume all poetry is autobiographical, as many a scholar of the great bard himself will tell you. I was also curious as to whether the line ‘ancient men in green / swords drawn / and kisses too’ was an intentional reference to Sir Gawain and the Green Knight?

Sorry, sorry, I don’t want to overburden you with questions. I know you also wanted to speak to your agent about a few things, so feel free to ignore this email entirely if you prefer!

Regards,  
Frodo Baggins.

* * *

From: BGalbasi@gmail.com

To: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

CC:

RE: Some baseline questions

Frodo,

That’s all right. The Green Knight reference is intentional. My teacher helped me read it when I was 13. I always had a bit of fondness for the old knight. I thought he was very brave to be putting up with kisses from the lady of the castle.

That is sort of what I wanted to talk about in the last email actually. You see, the teacher I mentioned was the first person who realised I had a learning disability. Up until then I just assumed I wasn’t really meant for school. He helped me with reading and got me started on poetry. Introduced me to John Ruskin and Emily Dickinson and the Romantics. I had never heard anything like it. It was sort of funny actually how we got along in the end. At first he thought I wasn’t very bright, but once he figured out it was a learning disability I think it made him pretty humble. Not that he should be humble, only, I think he was harsh on himself for not seeing it straight away. I didn’t make it very easy for him though, becasue I didn’t talk much.

The thing of it was, my teacher actually worked as an editor before teaching. He said that my poems had some potential so he helped me edit them. I thought maybe I would just try entreing them in some local competitions for a bit of prize money. My family aren’t very wealthy and I think they were a bit worried about the poetry thing at first. Not that they didn’t support me, only I was just getting to the age where I would need a job to support them, and I spent a lot of time getting lost outdoors and writing. They’re very practical folk so it didn’t make much sense to them.

Anyway, my point that I was getting to is my teacher ended up taking the poems to his old publishing company, and the next thing I knew I had an editor and an agent and everything. My agent is Faramir Ithilien but of course I expect you knew that already because that’s how Pippin contacted me. It’s sort of funny how we ended up both signed to him. We are in very different genres of course.

It was quite a shock to be published at all, if I’m being honest, never mind being so young as well. Never expected to make much of myself, and there were some family issues at the time. I actually ended up missing my final exams, it was a miracle I got my GCSEs at all. My teacher had to push me to challenge the board to get me a proper grade based on my classwork. He said it was extenuating circumstances, which I suppose is true, but all the same. Anyway, it was pretty surprising that people seemed to like what I wrote. I never thought anybody would really be much interested. But it just goes to show, there’s no accounting for taste.

B. Galbasi.

* * *

From: Frodo

He’s

Sorry, pressed send. He’s 23.

MERRY HE’S 23.

From: Merry

What … are you … TALKING about

From: Frodo

Galbasi. The poet that I’m interviewing. HE IS 23 YEARS OLD. He is FOUR YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME. HE IS ONE YEAR OLDER THAN YOU.

From: Merry

1\. Why is this a big deal? 2. Why are you texting me about this?

From: Frodo

I’ve been working under the assumption that he’s an elderly man since I first picked up one of his books. He is a BEST SELLING POET AT TWENTY THREE YEARS OF AGE.

From: Merry

Spelling it out does not make this situation much clearer to me

From: Frodo

Okay, let me put it this way. He was SIXTEEN when he published his first volume of poetry. It BROKE RECORDS, MERRY.

From: Merry

Congrats?

From: Frodo

Merry. What were YOU doing at 16 years of age?

From: Merry

Haha probably staying up until three making messed up looking sims with Pip

Ooooooh. Oh okay. I get it.

Wow so he’s like literally a literary genius then. Impressive!

From: Frodo

EXACTLY.

From: Merry

I still don’t know why you’re texting me about this, though.

From: Frodo

Ugh, I didn’t want to give Pippin the satisfaction of being right again.

* * *

**nathan – he/him**

_@gumballmachining_

another day, another total absence of accountability for pippin took.

**It’s piping hot**

_@earlygreyteabitch_

@gumballmachining do you have info we do not [eyes emoji]

**nathan – he/him**

_@gumballmachining_

@eargreyteabitch i mean it’s all out there… his early pranks speak for themselves. plus he made his child sims in the 100 baby challenge gay which is just fucking predatory. not to mention how he absolutely used a ghost writer for his book.

**jess**

_@peachykeen_

@gumballmachining I love when people like you try to come for Pippin, literally the last remaining unproblematic youtuber, without even a shred of evidence. Could not be me love!!

* * *

From: gandalf.greyhame@rivendelluniversity.edu.uk

To: frodo.baggins@rivendelluniversity.edu.uk

CC:

Subject: Thesis

Frodo,

I will assume from your silence over the last week that your interviews with Mr. Galbasi are going either very well, or very poorly. Do update if you get the chance.

Gandalf Greyhame, BA, PHD, MD, OBE, Med, SC93.

* * *

From: frodo.baggins@rivendelluniversity.edu.uk

To: gandalf.greyhame@rivendelluniversity.edu.uk

CC:

RE: Thesis

Gandalf,

The interviews have been going well. I’m learning a lot about him – although perhaps too much, since half my thesis has just been proven embarrassingly wrong. I’m going to have to restructure a lot of it. I still need to double-check some permissions with him regarding what exactly I can reveal about him specifically in said thesis as opposed to basing it purely on his poetry, which was the original plan. I’m sort of mulling over how to restructure it at the moment. Could I drop by next Monday and discuss it with you?

Regards,  
Frodo Baggins.

* * *

From: gandalf.greyhame@rivendelluniversity.edu.uk

To: frodo.baggins@rivendelluniversity.edu.uk

CC:

Subject: Thesis

Frodo,

My dear boy, you know my door is always open to you – and in this case, I would think it wise indeed to review your thesis plan. Tell your uncles to feel free to drop by after office hours too, since it appears they are incapable of using the technology at their disposal to remain in touch.

Gandalf Greyhame, BA, PHD, MD, OBE, Med, SC93.

* * *

From: frodo.baggins@rivendelluniversity.edu.uk

To: gandalf.greyhame@rivendelluniversity.edu.uk

CC:

RE: Thesis

Ha, I’ll let them know. For what it’s worth, I did get them both smartphones two Christmases ago now. Thorin has just worked out how to use emojis. It’s exactly as terrifying as it sounds.

Regards,  
Frodo Baggins.

* * *

From: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

To: BGalbasi@gmail.com

CC:

RE: Some baseline questions

Hello Ban,

I’m sorry about the late reply. You’ve given me quite a lot of material to work with! I’ve got a meeting with my thesis advisor next week to help me figure out how to restructure my thesis. I was sort of working under the assumption that I’d only have your work to go off, so being able to get so much information directly from the author is both a blessing and a curse. Not that I’m complaining, of course! It just means I have to reconsider what the final product is going to look like.

On that note: I’m curious as to how much exactly you want to keep close to the chest. It’s been wonderful having you be so open with me, obviously, but a thesis is meant to be published and I want to make sure I don’t include anything that’s not all right with you. I’ll obviously be staying away from names and places in the specifics – no mention of Faramir or Pip anything like that – but other areas are more grey – for example, could I mention your childhood in Dorset? Being from a farming background? Your learning disability (named or not?) Your age?

(Regarding that last point, I hope you don’t think it’s terribly weird of me, but I couldn’t help but notice that you mentioned your first volume being published when you were sitting your GCSEs – that maths would make you only 16 at the time of publishing! Have I misunderstood something? Of course, feel free not to answer if that’s too prying.)

Let me know when you have the chance.

Regards,  
Frodo Baggins.

P.S. Ban, I hope it’s not too presumptuous of me to say that I couldn’t help but notice that that – for lack of a better phrase – you rather talked yourself down in your last email. Perhaps this is too personal, but I know what it’s like to have family matters and mental health problems interrupt your education. There’s a reason I’m getting a PHD at 27. I don’t think it makes you a failure or stupid or any other terrible name you might have thought of over the years. And as for your fans having poor taste, well – that’s quite a bold thing to say to the person who has seven copies of _The Gardener_.

* * *

From: Frodes

How on earth do you find these people?

From: Pip

mcscuse me bitch

From: Frodes

Do you remember that cleaner you got a job for in my building?

From: Pip

ohh yeah a bitttttt whyyyyyy

From: Frodes

I had a funny conversation with him today. He seems terribly shy, but he offered to try to keep my plants alive?

He actually started the conversation, he saw me throwing out poor Tilda the Maidenhair. Next thing I knew he was giving me pointers but as soon as I tried to introduce myself he just kept stammering and turning red. Wouldn’t even look me in the eye but somehow we ended up agreeing I’d let him in every Wednesday to keep an eye on the plants.

It was bizarre.

From: Pip

aww what a sweet guy

you should totally talk to him again when he comes to do the plants :))))))

tragic that youtubes fav ~hot cousin~ is still single or so ive been informed

From: Frodes

Ha. Ha. I’d be surprised if I could get more than five words out of him at a time on the subject of anything but plants.

From: Pip

SO YOU DO THINK HES CUTE

From: Frodes

Pippin Took, I said nothing of the sort. I try to be nice about ONE of your friends and this is the thanks I get!

From: Pip

AHAHAHA YOU THINK HES CUUUUUUUTTTTEEEEEEE YESSSSSSSSSSS

this is the best day of my life thank u so much frodey

From: Frodes

STOP CALLING ME THAT

* * *

From: Pippin Took

so i hear someone actually managed to speak to his biggest fan face to face today

From: Sam

What did he tell you

From: Pippin Took

WOULDNT U LIKE 2 KNO

From: Sam

Pip I think I really freaked him out can you just tell me please

From: Pippin Took

ok ok im messing with u

he didnt say much tbh just mentioned speaking 2 u abt plants? why plants sam

i didnt set u 2 up to discuss like poetry + romantic shit 4 u to try seducing him w PLANTS

From: Sam

I’m not seducing him pip he was just throwing out a still living maidenhair which is a crime against maidenhairs

Why did he tell you about it though

I mean I guess I was a bit weird about it I just couldn’t bear to see the poor thing thrown out and the next thing I know he told me to come round and do his plants

From: Pippin Took

oh i bet u will

do his plants

lol

From: Sam

Pip please

From: Pippin Took

sam, my dearest close acquaintance, chill

he told me bc he wanted to let me know my “”””friends”””” r actually ok sometimes

kinda rude imo but w/e

anyway he def likes u at least so by all means pls consider this family approval for u to propose immediately

From: Sam

Okay please just tell me if he thinks I’m weird thanks and I’m ignoring the last part

* * *

**pippin took, u kno, from youtube**

_@pippining_

wow do u ever look at urself + just think oh my god i am literally so smart and cute and hilarious + NO ONE appreciates it

**pippin took, u kno, from youtube**

_@pippining_

related i may b the greatest matchmaker of all time

**yt: makeupbyaly**

_@makeupbyalyyy_

@pippining omg is this by any chance related to the barista and the annoying customer

**pippin took, u kno, from youtube**

_@pippining_

@makeupbyalyyy SADLY NO i am still working on that one

**meriadoc is my father, call me doc**

_@merrybrandybuck_

@pippining @makeupbyalyyy NO YOU ABSOLUTELY ARE NOT

* * *

From: BGalbasi@gmail.com

To: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

CC:

RE: Some baseline questions

Frodo,

Don’t worry about the late reply. I have certainly taken enough time myself.

I’m sorry that you’re having to restructure your thesis. I can’t imagine it’s an easy job. If I can help in anyway let me know. Although I’ve never written a thesis before obviously.

As for what I’d like to keep close to the chest. I think I’d prefer you generalise. I don’t mind people knowing I’m from Dorset. I think I’d prefer it if you said I was in a farming community rather than family. There’s only so many old farming families in the one spot after all. And yes, please keep any real people’s names out of it. Actually I don’t mind people knowing I have a learning disability. It’s dyslexia. I just realised I didn’t say that the first time. I’ve been told I type like an old man because I sometimes use talk to text and I use spellcheck a lot too. Thank you for asking. I’m happy to read over it too.

About my age. I didn’t realise you thought I was so old. I know you mentioned in an earlier email that I must be older than you but I stupidly just assumed you were quite young. I did publish my first volume when I was 16. I don’t mind you mentioning that I was a teenager, but I would prefer it if you maybe just said ‘mid-teens’ or some such like.

B. Galbasi.

P.S. Well, I don’t know about all that, but I must admit, seven copies is rather a lot. Would you like them autographed? Haha.

P.P.S. But actually 27 isn’t very old to be getting a PHD at all, at least I thought so. What do I know though?

* * *

From: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

To: BGalbasi@gmail.com

CC:

RE: Some baseline questions

Hello Ban,

That all sounds fine to me. I’ll let you know when I’ve spoken to my advisor so I have a better idea of further questions to ask – I think we’ve got a lot of the basics down now, so if it’s not too much trouble, I’d love to talk about your actual work! Thanks again for everything.

Regards,  
Frodo Baggins.

P.S. As if you didn’t know your autograph is one of the most sought-after rarities of the literary world! Although – it’s just now occurred to me that it might be a Dyslexia-related issue? Oh god, please tell me if I’ve made a complete prat of myself.

P.P.S. In my family, 27 is ancient to be getting a PHD. My cousin Merry has a stupid number of majors and two and a half degrees and he’s only 22. My uncle Bilbo is an academic too, he got a full scholarship to Rivendell when he was just 17.

P.P.P.S. Also, I thought I told you that you know far more than you give yourself credit for.

* * *

From: Merry

Could we maybe postpone filming on Wednesday I’ve got a huge test coming up for bio

From: Pip

:(

From: Merry

Pleeeeeeeease Pip

From: Pip

uuuuuuuughhhh fine when can we reschedule

From: Merry

Friday at 3? And WRITE IT DOWN THIS TIME

From: Pip

thats 100% not how adhd works at all but ok merry

it is written but i can make no further promises lol

From: Merry

Thanks Pip. I do appreciate it okay

From: Pip

yeah yeah i know

school is evil + keeps stealing all my friends but i GUESS education is important or w/e

From: Merry

Please please don’t say that publicly oh my god

From: Pip

I WONT OMG

stay in school kids even if its murdering u slowly

is my motto

no ok but w/e well film friday, lmk if anything changes

* * *

From: BGalbasi@gmail.com

To: FrodoBaggins@hotmail.com

CC:

RE: Some baseline questions

Frodo,

I think we can do away with the post scripts, haha.

It is a dyslexia issue. I’m terrified of misspelling my fake name. But I really would sign your books for you if you want.

Your family sounds very intimidating. I suppose Pippin being famous doesn’t help neither. No one in my family’s been to university, yet. I think my little sister might be interested in going. I don’t think it’s healthy for you to constantly compare yourself to them. Do they make you feel lesser for taking time off? I hope not. I’m sure you needed it.

As for knowing more than I give myself credit for. I’m not sure about that. But I think maybe I am starting to know you a little better at least. Which is sort of funny because you’re meant to be getting to know me. But I don’t mind.

B. Galbasi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter length got ... out of hand.

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr.](https://gallantrejoinder.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Sam's poet alias is of course based on his name that Tolkien ~translated~
> 
> Please comment if you liked!


End file.
